Hartnäckig wie sich ein Mensch in der Seele festsetzt.

Beim Einkaufen aus purem Ablenken von so vielen Dingen, die getan werden müssen statt sich zu beeilen lieber noch in der Glamour blättern und das Frühlingsliebeshoroskop lesen, um zu versuchen zu entdecken, dass die doch /dich/ meinen müssen. Und mich - und das bitte gleichzeitig, denn wie schreibt Margriet de Moor:

"Findest du nicht auch, Liebe sollte immer auf Gegenseitigkeit beruhen? Gott allein weiß, warum wir - die Menschen - es in diesem Punkt so schwer haben. Ich finde, wenn einer sich in den anderen verliebt, dann muss sich auch der eine in den anderen verlieben. Was kann, vom Plan der Schöpfung her betrachtet bloß dagegen gesprochen haben?"

Und dann schmunzelnd etwas lesen, what really could have been you, indeed. And it doesen't hurt to know you in other arms; what hurts is the lack your strange struggling passive-agressive way to prevent me, we discussed - pah I discussed via mail the other day. I hate it, want to see you, sit down next to you, and look you into the eye. But you hide. As I could have get used to but I don't. You hide into subterfudges, I'm questioning and there's often sth I don't believe, but it won't be me not to question it although in danger to put myself in a oition of jeaulousy and unsecureness. Which I don't like, of course.

My theory: either you are one of these men who can't say NO at all and who likes to pass the buck back, so that it seems it would be MY decision to break-up a kind of second time. I hate this "who did the final break-up game, but not me"-game .... OR there IS indeed sth between us that you - as keeping in monogamious moral anchored attitudes - wants to hide. Almost sad to see that you are struggeling with your believes, expecially your behavior AND feelings which belies your believe, which shifted a big "I ought to" in front of "feeling monogamous". yes, sure, you can force yourself to act like that, but who do you serv? okay, I run off the track - and in the moment of reading in my Frühlingsliebeshoroskop sth like "And if you let go someone metioned to be at your side - or your long-term significant other who is indeed at your side, but far away during the last time, everything will change to best times." And while thinking about who you might be in this scenery, standing with the front to the magazineshelf, YOU are passing the narrow floor to the cash desk and when we look at each other there was a short moment out of breath, a synchron breating in and a synchron "What are you doing here?" - me mildly smiling, you suddenly very very nervous "I did never met you on the street" you mentioned. I repeated it. 'cause you know about my synchrinicity stories and it's really really strange because YOU I NEVER met occassionally, but you of all today of all times ... "What are you doing here?" your question is really stupid - "äh - shopping - I live here next door ... do you remember?" "THAT much?" your long finger tipps on my pizza - "Why not?" "... when you're leaving ... ?" ("You want to get rid of me asap?" no, that I didnt ask) I laughed, quite professional I though compared with your nervous way to start telling me a story of a friend who is in a band and you're going to meet up NOW at the pub across the street of this shop, which is very important, cause you know, because your other band ought to open for another ex-semi-famous (but good) band in May you maled and smsed while I was asking other questions you fobbed me off with that - which is quite indeed a succes story, but misstaken issue - and while paying a bottle of wine and as far as I remember some sweets ... and weasel words are leaving your wonderfull lips and you are obviosly embarrassed - but I could not stop me from smirking and just saying - "oh jeah - I see - you go to a pub with a friend to have a bottle of wine ... " and you get deeper caught in your own trap by "ooooh - well - he is a long-term student, has no money and - well, you know - I have to go now. have to go. ... I call you the other day!" "You call me ... ? " (Unbelievable.)

Headshaking and smirking I saw you rushing out, nearly falling down the stairs with the feeling of caught red-handed - and red-headed - if you wouldnt have this light natural touch of a longlasting august teint. And me, caught as well.

You really got me.

Now I am quite sure WHY you hide me. If you'd ever admit it ... ?

Once you told me: "I can't be friend with you."

Guess I have to learn it the hard way. Later I wrote a first quirky but nevertheless true sms, and his answer was that he admited: "Yes, I was on the way to my new GF who lives across the street."

Blotted out the first answer my head pushed me to key in in mobile - could have been too - mh - bold - saved the second idea in the memory - and sended out the third, sth about the importance of honesty.

Feeling: underkissed. Missunderstood.

"It feels like I am moving, but I'm standing still." - same with me when reading our silly, mailcorrespondance where I feel forced to missunderstandings there and back and there and back ... Apart from knowing this medical situation very very well, the fear of Akkustikusneurinom last year, and still the sounds in my ear and always suprised about parallel living as well here and there -

"It feels like I am moving, but I'm moving." would be the better saying. For ME NOW.

Or just the other way round? Am I really moving?

I get rid of looking too close, it feels like a self- blindness, just to throw me down on other senses. Which works. Which works as good as stumbling blind. No surprise that just yesterday I told the story of hurting my eye deeply when I was trying to blow up a balloon years ago. which bursted right into my eye.

"... ist die Innenseite der Außenseiter" (Jean Genet)