How does it feel if you're lying down, dashed to the ground and this someone other, felted like both very present in this very moment as if I kissed you yesterday, when you're blinking online and so far away, cutted from everything what happened in the last weeks even months, you did not wanted to share, the happenings of my last weeks, I don't write here, which ended me dashed to the ground. this kind of ground even meters deeper than last year's down or the other downs I had when only the "Hey, just breath - and for now you know, nothing worse can happen to you" - and then later you have to recognize that this was'nr fucking true. It can be come WORSE. And even: it WILL get worse. And - no, thank you, fuck off, all you enlighted people who guzzled the prayer of self-responsibility. I feel like vomiting. What if I can't stand the guilty of my debts?

blame everything on me. can't stand it. stumbled deeper down than ever before. when today I just lifted my head for a milimeter, expected a little light. and then - expected as another light - words from you.

how does it feel, in this mood to read that you are in love (the how many time it was since we met? you are a falling in love addicted, why the hell I supossed it could work out with US??? sure, I'm stupid.

last night I had a dream and when I woke up I wished it was memorizing and I tried hard to memorize a scene when you declared me that you broke up with her and that you thought a lot about me and blahblah - when I recocnized that all this in my mind was a wish to find this dream I was searching for. In fact, there was no such dream. To be honest: the only thing I was sure about that the dream I had was with you in the cast and that I immediatly should stop betraying my memory.

And then - your message - after weeks of no contact at all - wasn't prepared to read that.
Which started very strangely familar - that you broke up with her - with HER (imagine, the ideal woman for you, the one you dreamt about all the time, the clever one, the beautifull, of the same strangeness like you - well, some of the vocabulary seemed to be strangely familiar to me ... )!!! And that you are totally in love with your new girlfriend, you met two weeks ago etc. blah blah. that you feel something like - wow, finally etc. etc. And this was the one which hurts most, this "wow finally" - although there was a flash of doubt, and another - but WE supposed to - ah, fuck, NO we AREN'T, we never WERE!

All in all: I wasn't prepared to read that.
One single hope I had when going back to YOUR city which will never be mine in two weeks was to spend christmas with you and - fuck, had too much hopes. I'm too slow for this world. My heart is still with you while you are with the girl after the next girl. (just for now - how about inventing this new term - the person in the perspective backwards is the "ex"-girl/boyfriend, so it has to be another term for the next and next ones ... how about the post-post girlfriend?)

hate me for wishing you bad luck believing that it won't work out with her ...
hate me for hating me.

welcome back on a position like five years ago, as I did not learned anything.
welcome back on the deeper ground, less hope, less hairs, less energy and less attraction - less friends and less money - got up again and again, even if - even some days ago there was this "no", the coldest "no" I ever saw in the eyes of one of my so called "relatives" I didnt feel a relation more than a connection I feel with people sitting with me in the same cinema when they show a "special film" this secret connection of sharing the same interest - to since then.

feel like leaving all this behind me.
a place to hide. a place of home and hope.