Yesterday - as a guest on a funny international party in a villa with space for a family of ten or two families and at least 2 habitants in it (amazing always to me being confrontated that there ARE indeed people who are rich and have a bad bad taste so that there IS indeed a market for golden edged furniture which doen't say more than I WAS expensive!) - who have let the house to a summer student - I felt like 26, like the average age of most of the guests.

And then, when suddenly finding myself involved in playing "truth or dare" not anymore. Really extraordinary funny to find the right questions just the right measure inbetween this intensed embarassing fun of the game and the challange to let the one who is forced to anwser by choosing "truth" open in a way that the others see the heart of the one which the bottle's turned has chosen. Strike! "Damn good question!" "Thanks, I know". Although - got used to this game in numberless actor's trainings it was a kind of not-challangening to me. I wished to be asked MORE. Only one question tickled me. At least it was one to my neighbour. A funny guy always with a smile on his lips and quite witty. He was asked which position he would prefer having sex with me.
And realized that it's a great game. Altogether. I realized that I want to have continuity in being explored. Someone who is interested and someone who I am really interested in.

Realizing that there IS this someone. Still. (Could not point out the events of the last weeks, which haven't been real events but strange encounters so far.)

Trying to get some sleep at 4 in the morning in a bis american bed, a cat visiting my face, and although i love cats I was frightened to death when awakening from half asleep by an furry ANIMAL walking over my face - I snoozed again when an sms from YOU woke me up and I thought - NO this wasnt real - this stupid bird in front of my window again which learned the exact melodie of my mobile - even both the calling and sms-ringtone and imitates it as often as he wants to lark me. I took a look onto the display and read something like "I am sorry" and something I couldnt post here and (now I don't remember even) "that's the truth" and the I fall asleep again. In the morning I immediately remember this, and the first thought was " I have to note the sms" and in the second second (what does it mean that in English the second is not the first of a part of time?) I was aware how stupid I was because I would have had it on the mobile, so I concentrated on getting awake, having a shower and having breakfast, because I was sure that this sms won't please me for the rest of the day. And later in the train when checking my mobile, I had this very strange moment of parallel universes when NOT finding your sms anymore. And getting aware that in front of THIS windows I slept this night here could never be my bird being able to sing the ringtone of my mobile!

Sure. There wasn't one. In the night! You obviously had something better to do than writing me sms about your inner affectivities.

And later when thinking about truth and honesty I found something very important but nonetheless not making things easier:

I always put the closeness REAL honesty brings out above the CONTENT of this spoken honesty.
Means: if someone says "NO, I don't love you enough to ... " or something like that even less important, I value this person for its honesty - and feel closer again instead of taking the content for real and take one or better several steps back) - if I am worth this honesty - there must be more. Liking? Love even? Despite of all (others, things have happened? have NOT happened (yet)?).

That there could be more if I just stay. I'm afraid that there are others who are more consequent on - well, stopping hope at this point. (the post from 26. Juli) But IF it's hopeless, so why don't stop hoping? Is it?

Stupid or just human?
Even the morst worse thing: Don't know if it's just a trick of my mind to handle my heart or vice versa.