That's what I wrote him month ago. He enters the café in black artists business dress, it's his lunch break. Shake hands feels wrong. We hug, feels strange, too.
This guy is a stranger to me. Still he is. And will ever be.

For the first time I was not nervous before, during and after.
A slightly anger creeps along my heart when listening to his words.
How could I be that blind? How could I not be able to see that you never ever won't, even can't have a healthy relationship? I don't count your gfs anymore, I lost the hook-up how you hook up one after the other.

Small. Cute. Dark long hair. Slim to skinny. That's all, then she's yours.
"I know that I am a good-looking guy, smart too - and if it didn't work out I just have to go out; I will meet the next. Going to a pub, writing in the internet klacklacklack ..."
You continue to praise yourself: " I can cook, I'm writing poems, I'm traveling, I'm reading the newspapers, I'm working, earning good money."

I sip the hot coffee to prevent me from saying stupid cruel - but true - things.
I learned you to be honest with me. And - here we are: that's what I get.
A honesty, to be honest, I'm aghast at.

"She has no job, she just hang up with her child in front of TV. - Of course she has no money to travel and do things."
"I see ..." I mumble "... dark long hair, skimmy and money to travel...."
Not the slightest irritation in your face.

"I do everything for her. But then I want to get sth back. And: I wanna be equal of somebody!" you complain.

"I told her: listen you have NO JOB!" and I'm deeply hit, felt thrown back when you said the same words to me, when I was unemployed.
"Do you remember this sms you wrote me??? That you were happy finding this "new gf with money to travel"??? Do you even know which one of your ex it was? your exex? or your exexexex? This was of a breathtaking cruelty. It hurts me deeply - did you get that????"

You didn't even listen to me, you just go on:
" .... I even told her about my plan to go to A. during Eastern. - I did not mention YOU - because she is even jealous about a lesbian friend of mine - " you're saying and - just a moment please - am I suddenly finding myself in a center of cheating? Possible cheating rather? You have told your still gf that you go to A. for some days ALONE????

"I told her: listen, you have no money - should I stay at home? Just to BE equal?"
You're telling me about the quarells with her this weekend and that you fix a meeting to talk. Sunday. As you're used to - everything via sms. "And then, she smsed, that she could send me my things back and I answered with "Yes". And her answer was "You won't fight for me?" "So I answered "Guess not." - well, and I think that was it. Well, we didn't really fit." Just another brake-off via sms. How cruel.
With a simple shrug you change to your second best topic: yourself. So - am I not only totally replaceable but also negligble?

"All in all, I'm a smart guy and good-looking, am I? - and I could find someone new. Anywhere!" Saying it without anger, smiling mildly and a kinda coquettish in my direction. ARE YOU? Should I really answer this?

Indeed, you ARE a smart guy. How stupid and blind I was not seeing your breathtaking arrogance. Today your mask of arrogance wins; hidden: the unsecureness of your soul. That's what's exhausting me.

I remember that we want to meet to talk about the details of our trip to A. and your invitation months ago to a concert - frankly, an expensive one - to my surprise. And now it's you who surprise me again. "... and by the way, you must understand - if we won't get the cheeper tickets - that I will book them to the regular price - and that you could pay me the difference, ok? And - check it out where you stay, I choose sth for me"
To my own surprise I say: "Okay, that's no problem!"

But: when you leave, thinking about that, it WAS a problem.
Not the money aspect. I think it was okay to pay for my ticket, I even felt strange with this expensive gift.
But I feel - hum - pretty degraded.

First it was a gift you announced to me. A kinda date. This concert. Not in A. but somewhere else. Then you changed it. I suggested another time and place, same concert. Great idea, still: the tickets as a gift. I have to organise where we would have been stayed. At this "somwhere else" only tickets for regular price.

Now - other date, other time, other place. It's like we're occassionally travelling to the same city, to the same concert. Separated traveling. Separated stay. Separated evening plans.

Am I keen on that?

You're a lonely boy on your lonely planet.
You can't offer continuity. Something I'm really longing for.

A handshake good.bye.
I will NEVER kiss you again.

Who the hell are you? Who the hell I have been?

Have to think what to do.
Stupidly I already paid my train tickets ....